”Tales From The Underbrush” documents, with occasional hyperbole, the experiences of the artist over a lifetime of interaction with what used to be called nature, now reinvented as the environment for reasons apparently best known by just about everyone in the world excepting the artist-writer. These wilderness interactions have come mainly while working as a geologist, briefly as a forester, but sometimes as just a guy whose principal happiness in life has been derived from being outdoors. Not that life in the wilderness, be it at work or at play has been without pain, discomfort, deprivation and even danger. Fortunately, the passage of time more often then not artfully blots out or at least dims the recollections that wound, substituting instead a recall that if perhaps not substantiating the aging athlete’s jest of “the older I get, the better I was”, at least allows tales to unfold that warm the memory and give substance to the life that experienced them.
The artist proposes to post monthly herein a chapter from his book “Tales From The Underbrush” in the hope that his adventures may be shared and enjoyed by those who might stumble onto this blog. This month’s entry continues the tale.
BUYING BULK: A SENIOR’S DILEMMA
“A great way to find out what you want from life is to write your own epitaph.”
Libbie Fudim
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Mark Twain
So far theseTales From The Underbrush have been largely devoted to recounting the life of a young geologist/outdoorsman during the pre digital, pre wide screen, pre high definition, pre Twitter, pre Facebook, pre Google, pre global warming, pre climate change, pre iPhone, pre Blackberry, pre iPod, pre laptop, pre netbook, pre texting, pre reality shows, pre Entertainment Tonight!, pre Everything middle part of the twentieth century, in other words during ancient history. But something momentous and slightly frightening has recently happened to your humble scribe, an event and some of its consequences that I feel I must address before returning once again to the tales of the antiquity of my youth. Mind you, even though it is a momentous occasion that is slightly frightening, I am glad that it has indeed taken place, frightening or not, since if it had not, the issue of fright or any other emotion would be moot. I’ve recently turned seventy!....as in……70….. SEVEN OH! That’s fourscore and seven years less seventeen to use a variation of Mr. Lincoln’s Gettysburg math!!! Aside from a number of personal aspects of my life that now seem to be functioning in a less efficient manner than has been the case up to (nearly) the present time, regularity and libido being only two notable examples, another challenge has appeared on the horizon that threatens to overturn what heretofore has been a comfortable approach to stocking the larder, equipping the bathroom, bolstering the supplies of wine and beer, or just generally acquiring the necessities of life. I refer to the price benefits of buying in bulk or the supposed discounts from buying directly online and getting loads of two-for-ones and bonus add-ons of absolutely no use whatsoever but that I can pawn off on my friends as birthday and other holiday gifts acquired for next to or actually nothing, since they were my rewards for buying the initial piece of junk that qualified me for not only HUGE SAVINGS! but GIANT, FREE BONUS GIFTS!!! In view of the aforementioned turn of events with respect to my age, the question therefore arises as to how long would it be prudent of me to continue with a heretofore practice of buying in bulk?
You’ve seen the ads on TV. VOLUME DISCOUNTS! CLOSE OUT SALE,!......HALF OR MORE OFF EVERYTHING!! except the sales staff. HUGE PRICE DISCOUNTS from DIRECT BUYS! BANKRUPTCY BARGAINS! WAREHOUSE SPECIALS! FIRE SALE!............UP TO 70% OFF! on a couple of smoke damaged goods. Buy direct online and SAVE! Special ONE-TIME ONLY offer! Buy in BULK! Buy two get one FREE! Buy four and get a MANAGER’S REBATE!....... this store only, applies only before 7 AM and after midnight. Buy this month’s special at INSIDER PRICES! Buy two at a STAFF DISCOUNT PRICE! Buy a pack of 12 and a baker’s dozen is yours FREE!……….but only when requested ………of course. Buy one, get a receipt. Buy three and get a scratch and win card for only a small additional charge at full value!! You could win another scratch and win card that makes you eligible to purchase another scratch and win card, or alternatively should you chose, get a volume discount on your next purchase of ten or more expired, perishable items of a different brand!………offer ends at midnight, some restrictions apply, offer limited to those over 97 or under 6 months of age.
APPLY NOW for your Humpty Dumpty Big Bulky Bulk Store credit card and get 1 % off your next purchase of 126 rolls of toilet paper! Double your purchase and we’ll double your discount!!! Double your purchase of special double roll, double thickness, double strength, double sheeted, double pressed, double smoothed, double bubble toilet tissue and be eligible for a special prize of one traditional, single roll, single thickness, single strength, singled sheeted, single pressed, single smoothed, traditional toilet tissue just like the kind your mama wiped you up with! Double your savings NOW by halving the wipe! Buy the LOW FAT, slim variety of Lard Biscuits Lite and GORGE YOURSELF on the SAVINGS! Save BIG! Buy in BULK! Why wait for Spring when the prices will rise? BUY NOW! when you don’t need the items and SAVE!! …..…. trucking and storage costs not included. Get your haircut done here TODAY and receive another one ABSOLUTELY FREE!!.......only for bald men and newborn babies, same day purchase required, Mondays only before 7 AM. Buy a size 42 bra TODAY and get a second bra ABSOLUTELY FREE!……..some restrictions apply, second bra must be no larger than size 24.
Don’t OVER pay for UNDERwear! Don’t pay HIGH prices for LOW satisfaction. Shop at Rejects, where premium priced factory seconds will never be found but manufacturers’ thirds will always abound…DIRECT TO YOU at PRE-MANUFACTURING PRICES!
This is your LAST CHANCE to get your handy dandy, indispensible, always ready ZIPPITY DO-DA ever useful home and personal protection RECTAL RECTIFIER with a built-in, fully adjustable, non-glare, non stick, fog proof, fully rotatable, high tech, hand crafted mirror, together with a DIGITAL fly swatter in YOUR CHOICE OF COLOURS!!! BUY NOW and we will include, ABSOLUTELY FREE and AT NO EXTRA CHARGE, a genuine, personalized folding, collapsible, removable, insertion-extraction handle in genuine antique gold chrome , AND IF YOU CALL RIGHT NOW, we will throw in AT NO EXTRA COST two dozen ABSOLUTELY GENUINE, no foolin’, chrome plated, rust-proof, never tested or used ring washers in the COLOUR OF YOUR CHOICE, and a dozen , yes that’s TWELVE certified bug-free flies with which to start using your digital fly swatter and begin your life of rectal rectitude. All this and your choice of a genuine rust plated extension handle for the long-armed, ABSOLUTELY FREE! and at NO ADDITIONAL COST! BUT THERE’S MORE! No matter what your size, your genuine antique gold chrome, rust plated, folding, collapsible, removable, insertion-extraction handle can be had with your PERSONALIZED INITIALS embossed AT BOTH ENDS…..some restrictions apply; offered for first names only beginning with “Z.” The FREE CHOICE of traditional or contemporary styles is YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE AND WITH NO OBLIGATION!, either style certain to remain a family heirloom for generations to come. CALL NOW and we’ll make that dozen ring washers a BAKER’S DOZEN! BUT YOU MUST CALL NOW to get your revolutionary rectal rectifier and digital fly swatter and all these extras for JUST $1.99……….plus $299.99 for shipping and handling. DON’T LOSE OUT!!......ORDER THEM IN BULK FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND WE’LL TAKE 1% OFF THE SHIPPING AND HANDLING CHARGE FOR EACH RECTAL RECTIFIER SET ORDERED! CALL NOW! and we’ll even include ABSOLUTELY FREE AND WITH NO OBLIGATION a genuine, silver plated, hand operated, automatic, variable speed, stick shift digital slicer and dicer featuring an accessory 48 inch television, five speaker stereo system and wide screen cell phone for your kitchen comfort ……….not for bathroom use or frontal applications! IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS! Folks! (it’s always “folks” to give that cosy “we’re pals and buddies” feel to the situation; hey!.....we’re even nearly “family” for cryin’ out loud!) Folks! Be the first on your block to walk with a swagger and run like a deer when the time gets near. Buy now and we will include, incredible as it may seem, and for only a measly extra $0.99, a gigantic DOUBLE ROLL of genuine imitation newsprint, never used toilet tissue for your UNRESTRICTED use and enjoyment.…….please include an additional $299.99 for shipping and handling. Don’t delay! Don’t make hay! Save today! ACT NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!! This is an offer YOU CAN’T REFUSE. We’ve taken the middle man out of all your purchasing needs ………and replaced him with an idiot buyer like you!.....and made everything DIRECT TO YOUR HOME AND LOVED ONES!!!
Then there’s the ad on TV that encourages you to buy four tires now for the price of three, but the guy in the ad is too dumb to understand what that means. “How do they do that?” he asks. They’ve brought in math experts, rocket scientists, day care teachers and the like and he still can’t comprehend the nature of the offer. I really feel for the guy and I’m pretty upset myself too, because I don’t know how either one of us is going to find an answer to the question if they can’t solve it on television.
But there is some rationale to buying in bulk. You do invariably save some money. You don’t have to run out to the store every day in a blizzard or tornado when you’ve been caught on the throne with diarrhea and only a tiny, torn, tag end of your last roll of toilet paper on hand, or in hand as the case may be. Of course you could have bought that rectal rectifier with the built-in, fully adjustable non-glare, fog proof, non stick, fully rotatable, high tech, hand crafted mirror with the genuine, personalized folding, collapsible, removable insertion-extraction handle in genuine antique gold chrome in traditional or contemporary style WITH EMBOSSED PERSONAL INITIALS, the baker’s dozen ring washers in your choice of colours and the OUR GIFT TO YOU of an absolutely free digital fly swatter which includes the even more important, and in this case relevant, and FOR ONLY A MEASLY $0.99 EXTRA, gigantic DOUBLE ROLL of genuine imitation newsprint, never used toilet tissue for your UNRESTRICTED use and enjoyment…………. that is if you had been half paying attention to the TV solicitation, but that’s another matter. Maybe you didn’t have enough change on you that day to stuff into your computer.
With bulk buying you usually have fair warning when your 45 gallon drum of milk starts to curdle, or the bag of rice you bought no longer needs an industrial fork lift to hoist it out of the second bedroom now being used as a storage warehouse. Those are the advantages of buying in bulk, but of course, like every other aspect of life, there are certain downsides to consider. For example, the 50 lb. bag of Demerara sugar you bought has now hardened in the bag and become a rock that requires a small charge of dynamite to even slightly loosen it so that your pneumatic drill can break it into sufficiently large pieces that can be hand chiselled, then sawn into thin slices of a size that will fit in your 50 horsepower, diesel-powered food blender, the output from which will finally allow you to sprinkle some sugar over your cereal, in which, during the preceding lengthy operation, the milk has gone bad. But what the hell. It all makes you feel as though you are managing your food bills in a professional and efficient manner.
So it was that a few days a go I got to thinking. Yes, I know, but HA! HA! HA!, it was that time of the month again! Having just turned seventy, it occurred to me that it might be a worthwhile exercise to re-examine my bulk buying strategy. Now that I’m approaching super senior status, is it wise to continue to maintain a policy of buying in bulk or acquiring items I don’t and never have needed but at HUGE ONE TIME ONLY SAVINGS!, if in the process such a strategy endangers and diminishes the value of my already extremely limited estate to the extent that the disposal of my remains might be reduced to taking advantage of the twice-weekly garbage collection service I presently enjoy?
What strategy is an aging senior (is there any other age direction?) to apply in acquiring the necessities of life at a price advantage? Does one continue to proceed at full speed forward with the strategy of acquiring goods under advantageous ONE TIME ONLY!, CALL BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!, BUY THREE OF WHAT YOU DON’T NEED AND GET ANOTHER ONE FREE!, DON’T LOSE OUT ON THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME OFFER! GIANT SAVINGS ON BULK ORDERS!, INSIDER PRICES TO THE FIRST TEN MILLION CALLERS!, STAFF DISCOUNT PRICES ON BANKRUPT ITEMS! offers or is that being a tad optimistic? A few people I know, ok, quite a few people I know, all right already, all of the people I know and even those I don’t, would no doubt view that practice as my being a major optimist or just a major idiot. What? OK, have it your way; and a major idiot. But what’s a guy to do? Being a pessimist could hasten my demise and become self-fulfilling. Under that scenario, I would never again be able to accept a ONE TIME ONLY, OFFER OF A LIFETIME to acquire an unwanted item on the basis of a TWO FOR ONE DEAL at a GIGANTIC DISCOUNT with a MANAGER’S REBATE and STAFF DISCOUNT PRICING………………. AND! with an ADDED BONUS of OUR GIFT TO YOU ….before shipping and handling charges…. if I don’t ACT NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! That sort of pessimism could lead to serious deprivations in my old age. I could be reduced to buying breakfast cereal by the flake, toilet tissue by the square, milk by the squirt, sugar by the grain. Can you imagine going into a drug store and asking for an Aspirin? All your toiletries would be only travellers’ sizes. An entire year’s worth of toothpaste, antacid pills, laxatives and all your other medications, toiletries and the condoms you never get to use any more could be carried in your shirt pocket! I suppose there is some advantage to that but it’s hard to see what it is at the moment.
Perhaps a more conservative but still rational approach would be to fall back on an analysis of my forbearers and their longevity. It is well to keep in mind however, that the latter may have been seriously affected in those days by an environment that lacked the opportunities and benefits of ONCE IN A LIFETIME! offers at GIGANTIC WAREHOUSE DISCOUNT PRICES! I suspect those sorts of deprivations may have seriously impinged upon the life span of the day, but nonetheless, since I am a big believer in the importance of genetic inheritance, despite the fact that in my case, I may have developed an abundance of significant mutations unknown to my forbearers, I perhaps should adapt a bulk buying strategy based on genetic progress, or lack of in my case. My parents died in their late seventies. Smokers they were and occasional imbibers of fine scotch, being partly of Scottish heritage. I regard those as balancing factors however. I quit smoking over 25 years ago and can’t afford fine scotch. To offset the latter and in perhaps a vain attempt to acquire in compensation the similar benefits offered by fine scotch, I have taken to drinking cheap wine by the bottle and near-beer by the case.
So, where does that leave me? On the surface, I may have a shot at the late seventies before taking into account seasonal adjustment factors, climate change, Health Canada warnings, and the measurement of my mid-day fibre content. I might even be able to squeeze out a few bonus years…….yes! that’s right folks!, an ADDED BONUS IS YOURS FREE AT NO EXTRA COST, OUR THANK YOU GIFT TO YOU! if I continue to regularly exercise by using my old manually manipulated tooth brush instead of those new-fangled motorized jobs. I have recently stopped watching on the television news the daily revelations of a local doctor who quite usefully reviews the latest medical studies, but whose conclusions invariably seem to indicate that those of us presently alive may either end up living well into the next millennium or alternatively may face an expiration period that preempts the end of the newscast. Very confusing!
Alternatively, does one devise a bulk buying policy based on the statistics of longevity published seemingly on a weekly basis by Health Canada? I seem to recall that men are catching up, albeit in painfully slow fashion, to the greater longevity that has been traditionally enjoyed by women. Whether this is because of more equal opportunities now being offered to women as a means of destroying their lives in the pursuit of financial happiness as it has often done to men, or whether other politically incorrect factors are at work are subjects I will leave to a braver soul with a bent for analysis and abuse. Are men going forward or are women going backward? Ditto the previous reference to analysis.
Anyway, in the face of the bewildering number of alternative choices on hand, I have not yet formulated a policy that could, would, may, or will govern my purchasing strategies over the course of whatever future I may have. I’ll have to give it some very deep and rational thought based on a comprehensive study and probing of the available data and the statistical background for policy alternatives that governments allegedly use in the pursuit of “public inquiries” whose principal objectives appear most often to be to obfuscate a politically damaging issue or to uselessly prolong making decisions concerning a circumstance about which they know nothing of and care even less, but nonetheless is one that requires that a degree of government “expertise” be demonstrable, even if at a level that is, if only marginally, a tiny fraction above zero.
In the meantime I must address the present at the expense of the future. Despite the fact that the building I live in does not allow them inside or out, I have just been exposed to a fabulous ONE TIME ONLY!..... OFFER OF A LIFETIME!, for a fabulous TWO FOR ONE! deal on UNIQUELY PERSONALIZED! commercial size barbeque grills, an offer that includes a BONUS FREE GIFT! ……..AT NO ADDITIONAL COST OR OBLIGATION!!!
I’m outta here!
“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”
Dick Cavett
“The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”
H.L. Mencken
Copyright © 2009 Ian de W. Semple
